How do you know when a friendship is on its last legs and its time to let go?
Did you know there is two forms of intuition? Transcript - I'm sure you have heard people say: 'I feel it in my stomach' 'I always go with my Gut'. You might even say that yourself. But logically we still like to believe the best decisions come from the logical brain, but did you know you have two other brains and one of them, is in your gut! Embedded in the lining of the intestines, is the enteric nervous system, with hundreds of millions of neurons - one thousandth the number in your brain. Gut neurons communicate with the brain through the vagus nerve, which runs from the base of the brain to the chest and abdomen. This 'gut reaction' evolved to protect us from danger. Using the gut we could sense predators before we saw them with our own eyes. The clearest connection between the gut and the mind is how we experience anxiety and stress. A gut instinct is when we have a reaction to something we may find fearful. This information from your gut intuition will be sent to the head brain for action. The Reptilian brain, which is in charge of keeping the body safe.
It reacts to hostile or frightening situations. Its normal way of dealing with fear can be well remembered using five Fs: Flight - Run away, get out of there. Fight - Stand still and I'll give you a bunch of fives. Freeze - Most animals and insects do this; they keep still and play dead or are paralyzed with fear. Food - Give the body energy to be able to cope with the situation. Fornicate (Yes there is another F we could use here!) - We have a strong desire for sex for the procreation of the species. Think about the baby boom after the war, or make up sex after an argument. Whatever the brain decides the gut will send blood to the arms and legs in case we want to fight a predator or run like hell. Of course now stressful situations are unlikely to be caused by a predator, but our bodies reactions can be the same. Making decisions through this form of intuition means that we make choices out of fear or defence. There are, in fact, two forms of intuition as I write about in my book 'You DO Know - learning to act on intuition instantly'. The second form of intuitive knowing is often discounted because it has no words. It is rooted in emotion. For example, when we have an excited, expansive feeling and we simply know, we may not understand why we know, we just know. This second intuition centre comes from your heart.
The heart has its own independent nervous system. Like the gut there are at least forty thousand neurons (nerve cells) in the heart. This is as many as are found in various subcortical centres of the brain. Following this heart lead intuition can lead to remarkable life changes, as your decisions become about the expansion of who you are rather then limiting yourself to avoiding pain or fearful situations. On a personal level of using heart-based intuition means you can make quicker decisions about what is right for you, which also means less stress. It also means that you can open your heart more widely to people as you know who you can trust, making it the intuition to follow for love. Next time you hear 'follow your heart' 'Trust your gut' you will understand it's not a brainless act after all.
Often misunderstood as ‘the Jack of all trades and the master of none’ the person with an interdisciplinary mind could be a profound master, if only they didn’t get bored and move on so fast! In fact, it’s likely that a person with an interdisciplinary mind will produce the equivalent of somebody else’s version of their ‘life’s work’ over a dozen times in their life time. So what is an interdisciplinary mind?
Speakers/authors from around the world coming together to bring some of their wisdom and ideas to you. How you can make your life feel richer than it already is! Full film staring: Mike Dooley - Author and speaker on film ‘The Secret' John Purkiss - Author of: Change from within Dr Joe Dispenza - Author of: You are the placebo Becky Walsh - Author of You Do Know Phil Parker - Creator of the Lightening process Pam Grout - Author of: E Squared Anita Moorjani - Author of: Dying to be me Dr David Hamilton - Author of: I heart me Janey Lee Grace - PR media and skills coach Michael Neill - The Inside-Out Revolution Robert Holden - Author of: Lovability Sandy Newbigging - Author of: Mind Calm Jessica Ortner - Author of: The Tapping Solution Lorna Byrne - Author of: Angels In My Hair Nick Williams - Author of: The work we were born to do
Hay House author experts give their insights. Full film staring: Mike Dooley - Author and speaker on film ‘The Secret' Dr Joe Dispenza - Author of: You are the placebo Becky Walsh - Author of You Do Know Phil Parker - Creator of the Lightening process Pam Grout - Author of: E Squared Anita Moorjani - Author of: Dying to be me Dr David Hamilton - Author of: I heart me Michael Neill - The Inside-Out Revolution Robert Holden - Author of: Lovability Jessica Ortner - Author of: The Tapping Solution
Hay House author experts talk about fear. Ok, I get it, fear sucks; it makes you feel weird and your tummy goes tight. We associate fear with some really bad things, the ‘I got home ok’ call that doesn’t come, finding a foreboding lump, losing your job when you have kids to feed. We fear things that often haven’t and might never happen. When it comes to living your dreams we fear success, failure and looking stupid. Fear is normal; it tells us that what we are doing matters. You will never be clear of fear for any great undertaking you ever do; the trick is to do it anyway. The emotional rewards and personal transformation would not be possible without the existence of the fear in the first place. Use fear as a motivational tool , it proves you’re human… Congratulations! It matters!
Full film staring: Mike Dooley - Author and speaker on film ‘The Secret' Dr Joe Dispenza - Author of: You are the placebo Becky Walsh - Author of You Do Know Phil Parker - Creator of the Lightening process Pam Grout - Author of: E Squared Anita Moorjani - Author of: Dying to be me Dr David Hamilton - Author of: I heart me Michael Neill - The Inside-Out Revolution Robert Holden - Author of: Lovability Jessica Ortner - Author of: The Tapping Solution
Have you ever had a random anxiety attack for no reason? Well, it seems to be happening more and more to people. Let's face it, if you don't feel like that from time to time you might just not be listening! The world can be a complex place. This short Vlog is to help you get over it FAST and to use your intuition as you inner phycologist!
The things we find the hardest to 'get over' are the ones we weren't able to be our authentic self in. The ones where we didn't stand up or speak out. those are the situations that play over and over in our mind. They can make us bitter, they can make us suffer.
Do you underestimate your own worth? The limits we put on ourselves when it comes to money limits our freedom. It's time to change!
Something I have been talking about with clients and friends. There are many stages in life. Some feel more exciting than others. This film 'Women of a certain age' comes about from these conversations. Yet it's not just for women, it's for anyone who feels they are at a crossroad or feel a little powerless.
I'm sure you have had it, those conversations that you walk away from feeling 'less than' as a human being. Well, I thought about this... and my findings are on this film. This film is for anyone who has felt demoralized, had their ideas put down or have been made to feel less than in the eyes of someone who thinks they are superior. Be BIG you are amazing!
It can feel like being at school – some corporate environments seem not to have matured past the teenage years. Let’s face it, teenagers can be really mean to each other. They suffer from profound insecurity, as they try to make their way from being a child to being an adult and all of the identity crises that go along with it.
The reason corporate environments can feel like school is because the environment itself is set up in a competitive way, just like school. That, in itself, creates insecurity. So even though you may be an adult, and you may have been one for more years than you like, the minutiae of nonsense, backstabbing, criticism, and passive aggression can leave you feeling exhausted at the end of the day. It can also crush your self-esteem.
The reason this is interlocked with self-esteem is because it’s all about personal value. I mean, after all, we get paid to do a job, so to an extent, there is a value to the work we do. If you have low value, you may feel you need to reduce the value of someone who you rate to have higher value than you. This can give the perception of your value becoming higher. But, a bit like a train leaving a station, it can give you the perception that the train you are sitting on is moving, when it’s not. Of course, the best way to go about this is to see admirable qualities in someone else and grow yourself to match. Sadly, instead a person may put that person down rather than emulate them. Thus, dropping another’s value to grow their own.
Of course, this doesn’t only happen in the workplace. You can find yourself in friendships that don’t serve your growth. I think these are called ‘friendenemy’!
Also, small towns can have that small mind mentality. The best thing you can do is to rise above it. The culture you can find yourself in can govern your environment, and you can find yourself changing to suit your environment. Like becoming an actor in someone else’s story. Rather than ‘being the change you want to see in the world’, you become part of the problem.
I love the saying ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. Don’t allow your own level of worth to be brought down by anyone else. Stick to your values of kindness no matter how someone else treats you. That’s not to say don’t stand up for yourself, just to say don’t lose yourself to acting like them. You are far bigger and greater than that. If you find the circus is too much, trapeze yourself out of there as soon as you can!
Talking to a lot of my female friends, we have been feeling angry since the Harvey Weinstein revelations and the reactions thereafter. I have been on the receiving end of sexism, sexual attack and countless sexual misconduct experiences in the workplace.
One of these was an actor, and I have found myself wanting to send a nasty tweet from time to time. I haven’t. It was a different world back then. Now, I’m not sure if the environment has changed, or if I’ve got older, wiser or more kick ass and it’s stopped happening. I have no idea what it is like to be a young woman now. And yet, I haven’t had the same conversations as we did back then: ‘Be careful of him, he’s a bit of a lech’ (short for lecherous). The word lecherous was used to infer about as much danger as eccentric, but we all knew what it meant, and you’d avoid being in a room alone with ‘him’.
Some of my attacks, I told the production company about. This was in theatre and I was told to ‘get a sense of humour’ or ‘say anything and you’ll not work in the West End again’. Yes, I feel angry, because at the time it was some kind of ‘rite of passage’ and there was nothing you could do about it. We were taught that this was a man’s nature and that all men were like this, to a greater or lesser degree. Your job as a woman was not to get caught by them.
Now this is what I’m really angry about, because this was propagated by women, and now I know that NOT all men are like this. That this is NOT in all men’s nature. This is the nature of a man with low self-esteem or a predator! Power corrupts, but only the corruptible!
Flirting at work is fun, it makes the day go quicker, and most relationships start in the workplace. I hope that men will not be afraid to show attraction; let’s not make everything start in the clinical environment of the ‘online’ world. Let us not propagate the idea that men are just like this, by doing so we abuse men. I know men who are now almost uncomfortable to sit next to a woman at work.
I’m so pleased we have opened up this conversation and we can now point out that this isn’t normal behaviour and change can take place.
If you’re like me, and you’ve read a bucket load of self-development books, you might find yourself with an interesting mind-set.
Firstly, I love the light-bulb moments, the insights you get where you can see yourself looking back at yourself in text. You think ‘damn, I totally do that!’ It’s not always the case that there’s something wrong with ourselves that we need to fix, it’s often that we want to be the best of ourselves. However, I will bet you any number of snails (I have a ton of these in my garden right now looking for a new home) that it’s some level of self-criticism that makes you read those books. The problem is that it’s a bit like being a self-criticism junkie; we find more things in those books to fix. A fix-me hypochondriac!
When I learnt about manifestation (Law of attraction, Abraham), I spent so much time monitoring my negative thoughts, and scolding myself whenever I had one, that I totally forgot to have a good time! That’s like being unhappy about being unhappy - twice the level of unhappy needed.
Learning about yourself is a brilliant thing. I think great power comes in self-knowledge. But, as Spider-Man says, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’. You have to take responsibility that your self-help is self-empowerment and not another thing to criticise yourself about.
Most self-help doesn’t have the vital step for real change. I guess the reason is because if you mastered this step you wouldn’t need the books. You’d create more redundant sad-looking authors who need to read someone else’s book! ;) Or maybe because they are their own self-criticism junkie!
This step can be found in my book … ONLY JOKING!
This step is one of self-acceptance. You’re never going to be all fixed up and perfect: me, you, none of us! The thing is to love your inner mongrel! This isn’t a get-out-of-jail card to allow you to be an utter pot of toss, it’s just knowing that you deserve your own love no matter in what state you find yourself.
There’s some key words here: ‘And I’m ok with that’. So, as we think, ‘Oh God, I can’t believe I … (fill in the blanks) you follow it with, ‘And I’m OK with that’. It stops the wheels of the story you create around it from forming. Eventually, your mind just stops creating the same thinking pattern. If there's no chemical reward such as cortisol or adrenaline. From that place of acceptance, you can work on being the best person you can be from a place of love over fear.
Give it a try, and let me know how you get on.
What does change take? Courage? Commitment? Time? All of these may be true. Yet real change doesn’t always happen until all of the easier alternatives are blocked and the only way out is up. We change when we have had enough of the way things are.
I got into personal development first because I wanted to change me. The more I learnt, the more I could see the answers for people I was close to. Over time I stopped having real friends as my friends became more like clients. That was until I gave up my career in theatre and did this work full time. I did that, not because of a love of people, or needing them to love me, I did it out of annoyance. I was annoyed that we have such talents for art, music, dance, drama, fun, joy, looking after animals and being good to each other, and yet fear drove us to despicable acts. I wanted to be the antidote to fear. Long job, big ask, and I was well … terrified!
The thing you want to be an answer to is often the thing you struggle with most in your own life. So, wearing my squeaky bum pants on the outside of my trousers, I tried to be a super hero. I’m less of a super hero now. People don’t need to be saved, they need to be woken up to their potential and their own power and talents. That’s now what I use my intuition for.
If we are to impact global change we need a global wake-up call from fear to love. If 2016 was the year of many great people turning their light out, 2017 is the year of many ordinary people turning their light on. The easier alternatives are becoming visually blocked. We know we can’t stay the same, we need change for us and the planet and everything on it.
The shift of consciousness promised by spiritual types in 2012 did start then. It just took longer than expected to take real hold.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who is abusive, everyone will tell you to leave them. You might feel hooked. It has highs and lows; one moment they are nice and promise to change and the next they are being cruel. Relationships are complex because people are complex, and I doubt any two combinations will ever be the same.
There is, however, one relationship that can be understood clearly when you are in an abusive relationship, and that’s the relationship you are having with yourself.
I know this, not just from my clients’, but also from my own past. The highlight, if that’s the right way of putting it, was that I dated a psychopath. It was a turning point in my relationship with myself. My experience fully verified all twenty points in Ron Johnson’s book ‘The Psychopath Test’. This guy was twisted and I found him fascinating. I wanted to understand how he ticked and maybe I thought I could change him. Once I finally saw the light, as the things he did to me got worse and worse, he wouldn’t leave me alone. Popping up every so often and making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. During a phone call he made, six months after I thought he’d got the message, something came out of my mouth I didn’t know I had inside me. I said, ‘It’s not you I hate, I’m over you. It’s just that whenever I hear your voice or see your name, it makes me hate myself’. He replied, ‘Well, I won’t contact you ever again then’. I was delighted. I responded, ‘Yes, that would be great, thank you’. He kept to his word, because it was always all about him, and when it became about me hurting me, that wasn’t any fun for him.
When someone is abusing you, you want to make sense of it in the hope you can make it change. Some people don’t deserve the effort of your time to understand them. The one person who does is you.
Turn your attention to why you’re abusing yourself. You are the only person you can change. Why are you abusing yourself by putting yourself in harm’s way?
I spent many years building a relationship with myself. I stopped hating myself for my past choices and forgave myself, putting it down to youth and inexperience. I made a solid commitment that I would never do that to myself again. No matter how intriguing the man, I won’t abuse myself for my own curiosity. I’d advise you to build a positive relationship with yourself.
You are all you have truly got.
Facebook is one of those places where people pour their heart out about who's wronged them. It's a venting space and, whether you agree with that or not, we are pack animals and we like to feel the justification of agreement from other people that our annoyance is right. We know deep inside that the only path to real healing is to get to the real truth. The thing is, people don't give you the real truth, because that kind of truth is scary and often leads the loving truth-teller to be rejected.
We all have fears - being rejected, not being seen, feelings of not being good enough. Most of us carry enough shame to sink a battleship. When our pain is triggered we want to understand, and 'get to the bottom of' the problem in order to have healing. As I said, we know that the path to healing is honesty. Yet the first thing we do when someone pushes those pain buttons is get angry.
When someone treads all over our deepest fears about ourselves we freak out, as the evidence from that person in the outside world indicates that it might just be true. We know when people stand on our insecurities because we react the most. If it wasn't an insecurity we wouldn't care. And, sometimes people do push our buttons when they see a reaction.
Like a dog wanting to bite the toy more when it squeaks.
Every single person has the right not to like you. You're not entitled to have the world like you. We tend to think that if we have an area of pain, for example, abandonment issues, then people are not allowed to abandon us. So, when they do, we rant about it on Facebook as if we are entitled to slip along freely on the river of life and not hit a few rocks.
When people react, we try to find the thing inside of us to change, so we can heal and stop that pain happening again. We look for the truth. We know that there is no healing when there are lies, and so we look for the truth in ourselves to fix what we think is wrong with us. The thing is, it's impossible to make everyone like you, so by trying to fix yourself to fit in with everyone else you will just hurt yourself more.
Some people live as if they have a sense of superiority. It doesn't matter how perfect you make yourself. What you need to become good at is allowing them to be shit bags, knowing that they have every right not to like you and you have every right not to give a toss. But, you don't have the right to try to make them like you, and then get angry when they don't.
The more we feel in pain, the more we think people must make accommodation for us and our pain. The only path to healing is to be deep down honest with ourselves. What we are really doing when we are bitching on facebook, is seeking healing. The only route to healing is to be honest, but we often want that honesty from other people. We want them to tell us, what is it about me that I need to change in order to be liked by you? There's no honesty there. They can’t be honest because they only have a perception of you. None of their opinions about you count. They only have their life experience to go on, not yours. Honesty is when you say, 'this triggers me, it sucks and I hate it, and I love myself anyway. I don't need to fix or change, I need to accept’. The people who receive love are the people who believe they deserve it. The people who have a fear of being abandoned alone and distant end up just like that. If you believe you deserve love and you can start by loving yourself first, you'll overcome your triggers much faster than trying to change.
Have you ever done that exercise, the one where someone asks you to look around the room and spot all the things of a certain colour? Such as, spot everything ‘red’ and then the person asks you what blue things you saw. It’s a cute little exercise to prove the point that we see what we want to see.
We see not only what we ‘want’ to see, but also what we expect to see. Sometimes it takes someone who isn’t you to spot some of the themes you may be running. I have some great friends who are into personal development. They spot themes for me and I spot themes for them and, of course, I do this using intuition with clients.
So what do I mean by ‘theme’? Themes are negative beliefs we hold onto that we unconsciously think to be true. Such as, I’m not loveable, I’m always left out, I’m too much, I’m not enough, you get the picture. Like the colour exercise, we can look at ourselves and how other people treat us with tinted glasses on, sometimes totally misunderstanding someone else’s intention. Talking things through with friends honestly, without tainting the story, can help us to see with a much greater perspective and learn something about ourselves.
Themes can be why we date the same kinds of people, or why we have patterns of events that play out in our lives - such as always getting bullied at work, or always being the person that supports the underdog, or always being the person who makes sure the birthday card is signed by everyone, but who never gets a card on their birthday.
Once you uncover a theme it changes everything. It almost becomes impossible to still run the theme. When you can catch yourself doing it, you can stop doing it. The important thing is to not beat yourself up about it. We must have compassion, as under every theme we are playing out, we are playing it, to heal it. Somehow we gravitate to repeating our history to change an incorrect perception about ourselves.
One of mine was ‘I’m not enough’. This showed up as being a workaholic. It also showed up in a secondary theme. If someone told me I wasn’t good enough I would step into the theme of ‘I’ll show you!’ So sometimes you can find the deeper theme when the lighter theme becomes obvious. I would hear criticism when there wasn’t any being given. That can make you defensive. Now I have healed that part of myself, I can’t be triggered by other people’s judgements in those areas of my life. I also find myself to have more boundaries and at the same time, I am more loving. Less to prove and much more to give. It’s freeing. Let’s face it, we only ever get upset when what someone says about us has a hint of truth to it. Our sore trigger points are the only ones that get under our skin, anything else is water off a duck’s back.
Breaking our themes frees us up to live more interesting lives with fewer limiting patterns. It also allows us to love more deeply, especially loving ourselves.
I think I have found the root of all (first world) suffering. OK, so the Buddhists got there before me. However, I don’t care, prepare the fanfare…
da da da daaaaa!!!
It’s our belief in our needs needing to be met, or if I put it another way, it’s our belief that our entitlements should be met.
Driving down the motorway, I jump from 0 to 60 in my emotions as I’m confronted by the middle lane driver. Middle lane drivers believe it’s the safest part of the road, despite the fact that it’s illegal to sit there. Fat car backside sticking up the V-sign because it’s doing 69, which means I have to overtake it in the outside lane thus, breaking the speed limit. Entitlement!
OK, perhaps not the best example. Yet, I have noticed a growing trend in people believing that their needs are someone else’s problem. The middle lane driver doesn’t care that other people are put out by their driving style. Perhaps this is more a case for the spiritual community, where people are adopting ‘self-care’, which I totally believe in, and confusing it with ‘having your needs met’ by others. It could be from their relationship, their boss at work, or their friends and family.
If we switched out the word ‘needs’ and changed it to ‘entitlements’ we might have a different view. The truth is – not one of us is entitled to have our needs met by someone else. If through love they try to meet our needs, because they choose to, because they love us, that is what love is. Needs are a compromise, not a condition. Understanding this will take away a lot of anger, heartache, disappointment and frustration from our everyday lives. No-one HAS to like you, it’s your job to be likable.
You might have had what people call ‘messages from the universe’, also known as ‘another growth opportunity’. Well, I don’t know if you believe in signs, but I do. Even if we make situations fit into our belief structure, life just sometimes acts like a tarot card and points out stuff that perhaps we can’t see for ourselves.
My car got broken into and my satnav was stolen. I know, I shouldn’t have left it in the glove box!
Your intuition acts like a satnav. It won’t give you the end destination, it just gives you the next right move. When we want to feel safe, we want to know where we are going. It feels hard to take the next right move that exists outside of our comfort zone if we don’t think the reward for being brave will be there at the finish line.
Losing the satnav made me think about how I used to use maps. That started me thinking about a lot of the skills that I have learnt over the years that I don’t use anymore. I also realised that I know where most of the places are, even though I was plumbing them into the satnav without thinking. It dawned on me that I have grown, changed and learnt so much since the last time I took a look at myself.
When driving ourselves forward, it’s easy to miss our ever growing greatness, even in the small stuff, that adds to the big stuff. Don’t drive your life on auto pilot, chuck the satnav out of the window and enjoy the journey.