These train conversations

Sitting on a train from the North of England heading south watching the country side go by. This is my first trip back to London since coming back to England to live. The green of the fields is when you’re not used to seeing them is stunning. However the most beautiful thing that I notice is the clouds. You wouldn’t perhaps think so; clouds that we wish to go away when we don’t want any more rain. When you live in California you don’t see many clouds (SF Fog!), but your eyes are in a constant dull sheen from the sun glasses which become a constant feature of your face. I didn’t know I missed clouds until I could hardly take my eyes of them. Maybe my next book needs to be 101 things you miss about home. Yet in contradiction I could tell you 102 things I miss about San Francisco, or would it be 99 things I miss? The truth is you can’t define what makes you happy. It can’t be written in a list of for or against. Home isn’t a factual thing; it’s what feels right to you. For the past few days I have been looking at places to rent on the internet, an exhausting waste of time really as all the states and figures will mean very  little if you next door neighbour is bonkers. That is why I listen to my heart, I might not know why something feels right, you just know it. I got an e-mail from a very old friend I haven’t heard from for a very long time. Her opening line “Hi Becky, it seems you are doing tremendously well!”. Perceptions and definitions are really interesting things. Right now I am living at my Mothers, I’m in-between relationships (doesn’t that sound better then single, nothing wrong with single!) and I am spending more money of ideas and projects than I am earning (mostly the film). The opening line makes me preserve that she feels she hasn’t done well. My natural leaning is to e-mail back the above list that society would deem as failing to equal our status. But you know I am doing tremendously well. I possess an inner positive spin doctor that can twist any negative perception into a positive. I’m not happy all the time, but I don’t have anything in my past I regret or anything I still hold someone else accountable for. Knowing you can twist your perceptions in this way, means you can live a life without worrying about regret. This is another way of living a fearless life, taking more chances and living to the full.

As humans we create and destroy, that’s what we do. When it’s time to destroy what we created we can call it a failure or a transition period. Many of my clients are mirroring my own need to transform and make new. Something in the air, in the stars or like attracting like? When you're in the chrysalis if you try to hold onto all your feet, you don’t get the wings.