Most of the things you don’t like about yourself have a powerful secondary brilliance.
For example, take being stubborn. Being stubborn can get you sacked when you don’t stop pushing your boss when you think they are wrong. But being stubborn got you that job in the first place and will most likely be the thing that gets you a better job when you're out on your backside!
Shyness has a cute vulnerability to it and can be more loveable than confidence. We think if you’re not confident you won’t stand out, but what really makes people see one another is resonance.
We feel attracted to those we feel a connection with. No-one is truly invisible, and confidence is overrated as a tool to attract love.
Often when we find we attract the wrong relationships it’s because we are out of balance with who we really are. We are on some level acting. One of the worst things we can do when we want a relationship is to try and be perfect. When we do this we send out weird signals that aren’t who we truly are and then we don’t connect with the right person.
The belief that we need to fix ourselves means we are not sending out the right signals, we are sending out an ‘out of tune with ourselves' vibe and people don’t know what to trust.
This can mean we never meet someone we fancy, as they don’t see us; because it’s in contradiction to how we feel about ourselves.
If our story is ‘no-one sees me’ then we meet someone who contradicts that belief, we won’t trust them, because they don’t buy into how we see ourselves and, because we are so sure we are right, we think there must be something wrong with them if they find us loveable. This is often why the people who fancy us, we never fancy; and the ones we don’t fancy, do fancy us! Frustrating!
There are four ways in which we experience love: Physical, Sexual, Emotional and Practical. It depends on your childhood and how you were shown love as a child.
Once you understand how you experience love, you start to know how to love yourself. I love myself by doing things for myself on one day, that I will appreciate in the next few days. I really like my friends and lovers to do things for me and help me with stuff, I experience love practically. I have friends who need to be told, I have friends who need hugs, or little touches on the arm or leg when talking. That often makes me jump out of my skin.
When you understand how you experience love, you can serve yourself better and teach others your needs.
I used to think that self-development was finding out what was wrong with you and then working out how to fix it. I now believe that thinking something is wrong with us is the biggest problem we face. The lack of self-acceptance and the lack of seeing that what we don’t like about ourselves has positive benefits. I now believe self-acceptance is the key to being happy and finding love. It’s not a case of stagnating into thinking ‘this is just the way I am and I can’t change’. But to know you are still growing and to fully accept yourself as multi-dimensional.
Never trust the inner critic, that voice is only one part of you, and that voice has no other life - you do.